Geraldine Ogwe: Sex & Love

I believe in LOVE. Loving has always fascinated me. I enjoy the special effect it has on me. Love is a beautiful thing. I also believe that you have to give something to show your love. It may be material things, money, words or time. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son. Giving is an essential part of loving.

Love is at its best when it flows naturally. Forcing love on someone is frustrating. Like Selena Gomez said, I agree that the lover in me should bring out the lover in you.I am a firm believer of the 50: 50 love. I love you and want you as much as you love and want me. I don’t want to be the one that makes the relationship work. I don’t want you to be the one either. I want us to be the one that makes it work. That is why I am a 50:50 advocate.

Tonia, my friend, has been married for 18 months now to a Gynecologist. She called me on phone and threatened to quit her marriage. I thought she was joking, so I jokingly replied, “if you leave your husband, I will marry him o”. She said, “Fine. But you need to know what you are going into”. I decided to meet her up and then she told me the story I am about to tell.

Tonia is a banker. She is pretty, smart and intelligent. Tonia is a lady that ladies love. When a girl loves a girl that is not her friend, you know she means it. Tonia has that charisma and charm. She is a power dresser. Always neat. Her husband, Mark, is a jovial man. He is fun to be with. He is caring and accommodating. He is the best friend to all his guys. When Tonia and Mark are on the phone with each other, they are always laughing. What I hate about Mark is that he is a chain smoker, but it’s not my call.
I envied their friendship and that is why I was shocked by this story. Mark was introduced to Tonia by his uncle who banks with her bank. Instantly, they bonded. They were almost inseparable. I was at their engagement party. You just had to see the love.

Tonia: Do you know that my husband has not slept with me?
Me: Today or yesterday?
Tonia: Since we got married
Me: (suppressing laughter) You can’t be serious.
Tonia: My husband told me that he is not psychologically ready to have kids. That sleeping with me will result to kids and he won’t have that. I am 30 and I want kids. Time is not on my side. He is 40. Time may be on his side.

She went further to tell me that during their church counseling days, Mark said no sex because the bed should not be defiled. She was happy that her husband was a good Christian and she complied with him. On their wedding night, Mark refused to consummate the marriage. He claimed he was tired from the dancing of the after wedding party. She told me that any time she makes advances at her husband, he comes up with one excuse or the other. Excuses like “I am tired”, “Today’s work was hectic”, “My neck is paining me” and all other petty excuses. She said the annoying part was that he came up with excuses that women naturally give.

Mark degenerated to a terrible night crawler. He is rarely at home. Even when he is not called, he still finds a way to be on call. He would not travel with his wife if the journey would require spending a night. If a friend needed Mark and Tonia needed Mark, Mark would rather be with his friend. My friend moved from her charming self to a nagging wife. There was no laughter again. Phone calls were rare and laced with abuses.
Tonia told me that she has gone back to the church to complain about her husband’s behavior. She has also complained to both parents. They advised them to go for another round of medical check-ups, including the advice of be patient and be prayerful. The more she complains the more distant and verbally abusive her husband becomes.

With her permission, I called Mark. He was angry that the wife told me. I calmed him down and reminded him that I was a part of them right from the beginning. I knew how they started and I also gave the toast at their wedding. Mark told me that he was not sexually attracted to his wife. I asked why. No tangible reason. I asked Tonia if Mark was medically okay. She said yeah. I tried all I could to intervene in the situation. I prayed for them. I even went to their pastor. He said Mark has not given him any tangible reasons. I suspected that Mark may be a cultist, but doctors are not usually given to occultism (I may be wrong). My friend was losing her mind, so I decided to take them out for a drink. I invited them to a nice hotel. When Tonia went to the restroom, Mark told me that he wanted to have sex with me. He stood up to show me his erection. I was highly disappointed and I knew that this was a mental case. I told Tonia what transpired and she had to understand that my intervention had to end.

It’s been four months now and this couple has fallen apart. For what reason exactly – LACK OF SEXUAL ACTIVITY.

Why would a man marry a woman he is not sexually attracted to?
Why would a man not discuss not wanting kids with his wife before the marriage?
Why would a man not want kids?
Is lack of sexual activity enough to make a marriage disintegrate?
Why would a man want to sleep with another woman but not his wife?
Why would one party try to make things work and the other is busy making things not work?

It should take two to tango, not one.
The last time I spoke with Tonia, she told me that Mark and his family members have refused to collect back the bride price. When a meeting for that is fixed, they won’t attend. She is talking to a lawyer now.